Scrutiny and Vulnerability
What is it about starting a new job that makes us feel so nervous, vulnerable, and out of sorts? It's got to be the worst feeling in the world. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way, to the point that I do, or if it's a common thing that everyone experiences. Maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I'm too insecure, maybe I just need to suck it up and forge ahead. I'm really trying. I really, really am. I've been busting my ass these past two weeks. I don't know. What I do know, however, is that for every good day I have at my new job, there are about 3 bad ones that follow (that could be a bit of an exaggeration, but that's how I feel right now). When I say 'bad', I don't mean that I want to up and quit, but little things happen that add up over a couple of days that make me feel really shitty about the decision I've made. It's not like I'm doing a job that is very specialized or high tech, or anything like that, I mean, a friggin monkey could do my job, I'm sure. And I wouldn't doubt that a friggin monkey would do a better job some days. Anyway, suffice it to say, I'm not having a very good day today.
The people in the branch generally speaking, are very nice. They really have been helpful when I have questions, and no one has made me feel as though I have been bothering them with my lack of knowledge. The other day I came home and was asked how my day was, and I responded by saying that I think I have a pretty good grasp on the job itself, so things were good.
Today.....not so much. A certain individual who is not my direct supervisor, talks to me in a very condescending manner (that is, when she decides to speak to me at all). The rest of the staff, especially the ones who report directly to her, kiss her ass. I don't like that either. It makes me quite sick to be honest. I will never kiss ass for any job. I will always do my job, and I will always treat my colleagues with respect, but never will I go out of my way to shove my nose up someone's behind because it might make that person like me more. It has never happened to this point, and it never will. Maybe that's why I always end up in pissy jobs. Small price to pay? Yes, it is. Anyway, there was a moment today where I wanted to take this person and tell her to stop talking to me like I was an idiot. The phony, forced laugh that comes out of her makeup caked mouth is enough to make me want to scream my head off. Maybe it's better that she doesn't like to talk to the 'help' so I don't have to be subjected to it often.
What I would like, and actually somewhat, expect when someone starts a new job, is some praise. Just a little. Whether I'm doing a stellar job or not, throw me a freaking bone! Give me something positive rather than .... "ooohhh....Charlene....uhh...I have something to talk to you about..." It can never be a talk about the great job I've done in the two weeks I've been here, can it? It has to be something that you think I've done wrong, but really didn't, but you have no one else to blame except the new girl. Who happens to be me.
Call me off my rocker, but should we, as workers and employees, not have standards from our employers as well? Shouldn't that be a two way street? I want to type up a list of mandates that I expect my employer to follow instead of only having to follow and meet their requirements. Why doesn't it work that way?
Again...am I too sensitive? Maybe. Do I like to be praised for my work (once in a while is fine) as opposed to being watched over like a hawk, and feeling scrutinized? Hell yeah! Does that make me abnormal?
I really am glad I left where I was and made this move. I just wish things felt a bit less uncomfortable. In case you weren't sure, I hate that feeling. I don't know if I conveyed that earlier. I really have been doing my best, and I have not heard once that suggests that I might be doing an okay job. It kind of makes me feel shitty.
On a positive note, the weekend is here, and I could not be happier. I had a couple of drinks after work (one being a 'Chargerita'...I actually really do have a drink named after me), and that made me relax a bit. That was until I came home to Jake wheezing his little lungs out. Poor guy. But...for me, that's minor. That's where I excel. Looking after my kids. I know I do a good job with them, and I don't need anyone to tell me that. That's the best, and favourite job I've ever had.